Post by reddington on Apr 25, 2013 21:17:48 GMT -8
DAY 1
I hope this thing works.
Well, err, hi, there. This is PencilStick, formerly know as PencilPrick and PencilDick because the asshole who gives people their callnames has a shitty sense of humor. I'm currently writing this down in an old digital logbook, which you could probably tell if you're reading this right now, that was scrapped together after TempestWave, in his usual drunken rage, beat the shit out of a Vanu infiltrator until his sensor gun turned into a laptop. Convenient, I guess, but for all the decorations that the TXR have received, we're not exactly the smartest and the brightest around.
I mean, look at Swatz. For the longest time, that Chinese bastard tried to make fun of me by mimicking my voice and my personality at every chance he could get to confuse people over the comms. Now he practically convinced himself that he's me and is making every attempt to break into ColonelCuddles' room to make out with him. Worst yet, ColonelCuddles' pretty open to his advances. Goddamn. Now we can't eat cafeteria food because those two work in the diner. Dammit, I want my meatloaf back. It was the only thing I looked forward to while serving in this outfit, and now I can't even have that.
Anyway, the reason I'm writing this is because Talron resigned from the technology development team after Changes tried to rape him. Worst yet was how Changes tried to shrug it all off by giving Talron a "mandatory mind wipe" by dunking his head in the toilet and flushing it repeatedly. Needless to say, Talron served an early retirement from that. Poor Reddington, though. To this day he can't even look at ice cream without vomiting.
I digress. Talron dropped out from the tech division and assigned me to it. His reasoning was that I was the only person with a PhD. Uhh, okay. That's reassuring. Not a degree in mechanical or electrical engineering, or even a PhD in Physics, which would make them all more than qualified for the tech division, but rather a guy with a PhD in archaeology. But considering our team, I guess I'm the only person qualified. Changes, our head surgeon, experimented a bit too much with the prescriptions and now has a giant, snake-like penis that has throttled a few of our new recruits out of defense. Totalzone is going into agriculture, but his overwhelming joy when it came to the MAX flamethrowers cut his career a bit short. And there's Atrgeist, who actually is proficient in the sciences, but he speaks Australian Dalabon, so fuck that.
So that leaves me. I guess the idea of a PhD captivated Talron, no matter where it came form. That, or he just really wants to get the hell out of TXR. Can't blame him.
Things are only going to go uphill from here, I feel. It can't get any worse than Changes' penis slithering underneath doors and suffocating poor Reddington as he's trying to take a shit. After TempestWave beat the shit out of a Vanu Magrider and turned it into a makeshift cloning device, I think I'm going to begin some tests on it.
Hoping for the best.
DAY 2
I miss home.
That night, after Talron assigned me to the tech group, I came back to my shared room after spending most of the evening detailing the functionalities and aspects of the cloning machine. Normally, it should've been a thirty minute check, but nobody who was in my team at the time helped in the slightest. It mainly just me and a disgruntled Atrgeist making sure everything was in working order, and every now and then, when I looked back at the dashboard, I would sometimes find mlane stroking the levers, moaning Talron's name. Atrgeist and I had exchanged a knowing glance. We decided to test it out tomorrow. Definitely tomorrow.
I was exhausted, and as I was staring fondly at a picture of my girlfriend, who was somewhere out there in the universe, and daydreamed of coming home, EVOLIS, who had also caught on to the MAX Flamethrower craze, burst through my wall and doused my nightstand, paperwork, and photos in fire.
EVOLIS: SUCK MY DICK, MOTHERFUCKERS! HAHAHAHAHA!
And he took off. After a second, I watched a naked FearHawk and Killidin, wearing nothing but Infiltrator helmets, shotguns in hand, sprinting after him.
Weary, I dropped on my bed and fell fast asleep.
I wanna go home.
The next morning went a bit better, mainly because there were fewer people trying to "help" me. Well, except one. Totalzone, having lost his MAX Flamethower suit and now had nothing to do, casually approached me.
Totalzone: What'cha doin'?
Pencil: Uh, nothing. I'm just checking to make sure this thing isn't dangerous or anything.
Totalzone: Sooo... Does it work?
Pencil: No... I don't know... I was about to check, but...
Totalzone: Hey, Pencil, we're good friends, right? You can trust me, right?
No.
Pencil: Yeah, sure, why? What's up?
Totalzone: Ah, nothing. I just wanted you to know that I appreciate you, and I think you're a great guy.
Pencil: Totalzone, what the hell do you want?
Totalzone: I want to clone my dick.
YUP. THOUGHT SO.
You probably don't want to hear the rest of it, and I doubt my superiors will, but Totalzone had the smartass idea to clone his dick so he could be "double trouble" in bed with the ladies, despite the fact that most of the "female" soldiers in our outfit are ripped, have a husky smoker's voice, and have a dick bulge. Didn't stop him, though.
I would've been happy to get the job done and over with, but I was focused on just trying to get Totalzone away from the machine before he broke anything. At least mlane had the decency to moan and gasp quietly to himself because he THOUGHT we couldn't hear him. Totalzone? Nah. Examine the pressure pipes on the machine, look down, take notes, look up. Boom. Totalzone. Dry humping the piston. What the hell.
And he wouldn't stop, either. He was grinding against the machine belt so often I was sure he would've sanded his junk off. At one point, when I went out to get some lunch, I came back to find Totalzone, naked except for a pair of boots and gloves, standing with his hands on his hips and his junk thrusted forward towards the doorway of the cloner, a cathode ray shooting down on his johnny, while he screamed.
I nearly dropped my sandwich. When Totalzone spun around, a triumphant grin on his face, his penis was, well, an alpaca.
Yeah, seriously, with a face and everything.
Totalzone eventually left, claiming that he had to take his penis out to graze, and I decided that my day was done. I had accomplished something at least - I found out the cloning machine didn't work.
To think, it would've bee a good piece of tech. The ability to have multiple clones out in the field would mean even the smallest squad could have the might of an entire platoon. Too bad this thing just turns dicks into wild animals.
As far as I'm concerned, the day was over. I drank myself into a stupor and fell asleep. At least, I tried to. I could hear Totalzone's penis baaing next door to me.
DAY 3
When I heard that they were replacing Swatz and ColonelCuddles in the dining room, I became excited. For the first time in weeks, I could eat real food. Like, safe food, food that's not contaminated. Regular food where you might occasionally find a strand of hair rather than an entire buttplug.
I was actually looking forward to being able to eat breakfast again, and when I woke up this morning, I made a beeline for the mess hall because God knows that breakfast was the only thing I had to look forward to when it came to life in TXR. I arrived a bit early, as nobody else was there, and I think that was the problem. Coming through the cafeteria doorway, I glimpsed tacoYEAH, furiously headbanging to "Love You like a Love Song," by Selena Gomez, while firing a green beam from his "wizard's staff" into each plate of food.
I froze. He saw me, he froze. We made eye contact. Then, he picked up a plate, smashed it on the table, and crashed right through the nearest window before taking off across the waste of Indar.
Right, okay.
When I came back to the cloning machine to continue off from where I left off yesterday, Changes was already there, waiting for me. He had his arms crossed, and his elongated serpent-penis was tucked behind his back like Frieza or Mewtwo or some shit.
Except it's a dick.
Changes: Pencil, what the hell have you been doing?
Pencil: Uh, sir? I don't know what you're talking about.
Changes: I gave you this job because Talron's gone, but you haven't got a single thing done in the past few days. Talron worked so much harder than you. So much harder.
Changes licked his lips.
Changes: He was so much harder. Oh, yes. Harder.
Pencil: Sir...
Changes shook his head.
Changes: Look, Pencil, I read your report, and as lacking as they are, you're getting somewhere, at least. I need you to start using actual subjects to test this thing out. No more stalling, Pencil. I need some results, now.
Pencil: With all due respect, sir, it changed Totalzone's junk into a half-breed sheep.
Changes: That's proof that it works. Haven't you heard of Dolly, the first ever cloned sheep?
Pencil: Sir, I don't think that's the same thing...
Changes placed a hand on my shoulder. He reached into his pocket and brought out a doorknob.
Changes: Do you know what this is?
It was a doorknob, something that hadn't been used for decades. It was meant to be used for opening doors. I doubt that's what Changes had in mind.
Pencil: Right, a doorknob.
Changes: And do you know what I'm going to do with this is you waste any more time?
Pencil: Kill me. I hope to God, kill me.
Changes then proceeded to make a strange pulling motion with his other hand over the doorknob. I had no fucking clue what it meant, but it fucking scared the shit out of me.
I nodded furiously.
Changes: Good. I'm glad you understand. You better get back to work now. Find some volunteers around here. Tell them if they do, they'll get my wonderful, three-legged, Bohemian albino aardvark that's been dipped in corn syrup-
Pencil: Sir-
Changes: My dick.
Changes left. As he turned away, his penis coiled up, bared its fangs, and hissed at me.
As it turned out, it wasn't that easy to find volunteers. Totalzone was a bit busy, his alpaca dong having grown three feet long since the last night and was desperately trying to separate from his body. There was a lot of screaming. Atrgeist mumbled something in Dalabon, so fuck him. Reddington only volunteered under the condition that I execute the original copy, so I wasn't sure about that. I was a bit excited when SinisterSmith and Coltorl volunteered, but I overheard them talking about filming porn between the clones once it was all over. I wouldn't have cared what they did with the clones once the experiments were done, but when I saw that their props consisted of only spoons, durian, and a sledgehammer, I thought, for the sake of the clones, that it was a bad idea.
Atron eventually stepped up to the plate once he caught me alone.
Atron: Pencil, I appreciate what you've been doing for us thus far.
Pencil: Hey, Atron. Yeah, thanks for the support, man. It's been a rough few days.
Atron: Yeah, I can see that. Our outfit could drive anybody nuts. It's no wonder Talron dropped out.
Pencil: No, I think that had something to do with rape. And the fact that Changes' penis tried to eat Talron's appendix.
Atron: Glad you're holding up, though. How are things going now?
Pencil: Well, it could be worse. I'm trying to find volunteers to test this machine out now. Changes said he wanted results. Well, he and his penis. I swear, I never see his lips move anymore.
Atron took a moment to think.
Atron: You know, if it means it'll take a bit of stress off of you, I'd be more than happy to volunteer. It's the least I can do since you've been at it for half a week so far.
Pencil: Hey, Atron, that'd be great, man. Thanks a l-
Atron: I want to clone my penis.
Pencil: GODDAMMIT MOTHERFUCKER AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
I was back to square one. The sun had already set, and night had already fallen. I returned back to my sleeping quarters and was about to go to bed when I heard a loud clang outside, followed by the wibbly-wobbly-warpy sound that was the cloning machine.
My heart leapt. For a moment, I couldn't breath. I tumbled out of the door of my room and made a mad dash to the courtyard where it was located. When I came outside, I found Prowler Pack, recently returned from their latest expedition to the nearest McDonald's, tightly packed around the cloning machine, which was glowing and spiraling out of control.
Before I could throw myself on the controls, the machine unleashed one last shockwave before enveloping the entire area in a pool of light. When it subsided and my eyes had time to adjust, I found a Prowler, just like any of the other tanks from the Prowler pack, sitting just in front of the machine.
The tank turned its barrel towards me, and the hydraulics bounced the tank a good foot off of the ground.
Hereticus: MOTHAFUCKAS, HERETICUS IS BACK, LIL' BITCHEZ.
He fired a shot into the air. Screaming, then an entire squad of TRG members crashed into a burning wreckage in their Galaxy.
Oh, God, no.
Day 4
In retrospect, why did we think it was a cloning machine to begin with?
TempestWave forged it from the depths of his drunken consciousness, and I could still hear that Vanu Engineer screaming as TempestWave punched the cockpit into a control panel. There was no reason why we should've thought it was a cloning device, but Changes was adamant when he first assigned me to the job. Then again, he wasn't exactly in the right state of mind. I keep forgetting that I took orders from a man whose penis snapped Shred's neck when he put only one packet - not two - of sugar in his coffee. It's the little things that hurt a person's validity.
I actually had a perfectly fine night of sleep because no matter what happened with Hereticus, nothing compared to the fact that I could no longer make eye contact with TotalZone because his alpaca penis kept staring me down. We had assumed that Hereticus was responsible enough to not cause any trouble until tomorrow, but we were wrong. Dead wrong. When we all got up that morning, Hereticus had been on a roaring rampage throughout our camp, screaming obscenities and smashing into every wall in his way. Poor Wrex was crushed underneath an ammo tower when he got up to take a piss that night.
Pencil: Jesus, Hereticus, what the hell did you do?
Hereticus: MOTHAFUCKA ASKIN' FOR SOMETHIN' FROM HERETICUS? I'LL FUCK YOU UP, ASSHOLE!
Pencil: Hereticus, calm down and talk-
Hereticus: YOU CAN'T MAKE ME CALM DOWN MOTHAFUCKA! YOU AIN'T TELLIN' ME WHAT TO DO!
He fired a random shot into a pack of nearby buildings. Screams, followed by a half-naked Swatz tumbling out of the hole in his wall, clutching his stump of a leg in pain. A person clad entirely in rubber - who I assume to be ColonelCuddles - followed after Swatz, doorknob in hand, desperately trying to stop Swatz's bleeding.
Pencil: Hereticus, what the hell are you doing? Why couldn't you have done that earlier? I want my fuckin' meatloaf back!
Hereticus: LIL' BITCH TALKIN'? YOU ASKIN' TO GET FUCKED, LIL' BITCH! YOU GON' GET FUCKED!
Hereticus propped his cannons forward towards me and charged straight ahead. Confident in my years of ground combat and my reflexes honed from my lifetime as an Infiltrator, I shrieked and stumbled out of the way and bonked my head against the wall of the building. I think I scraped my knee too. It hurt.
Meanwhile, Hereticus barreled through the building and easily smashed down the wall. As Hereticus reversed and withdrew from the collapsed building, I found Kieladar impaled on the end of the cannons. Well, kinda of. Good thing his large vagina managed to absorb most of the damage.
SoulEater, a recent recruit in our outfit, made a slashing motion across his throat and pointed towards the C4 detonator in his hand. I shook my head. Fuck, it's not like I meant to. My knee was blistering. It was bleeding and shit. I was shaking.
After I wiped the tears off my face, I found Hereticus glaring at us. And by glaring, I mean he had the cannons pointed at us.
Hereticus: YOU THINK I DIDN'T KNOW, MUTHAFUCKA? YOU THINK I'M AN IDIOT? MUTHAFUCKA GON' DIE!
SoulEater tried to cloak to get away. Then he just exploded. Cherry-flavored blood spewed out from the empty space right next to me and drenched me in his delicious goodness. Jesus, I was hungry. I didn't have breakfast yet, so you can't blame me.
I had to get the hell out of there. As I was heading back to the machine lab to figure out how the hell to fix this problem, Changes met me halfway there. Well, I assume it was Changes. His body was limp and flaccid, floating two feet off of the ground and glowing a faint blue tint while his fanged, hissing penis supported his weight. Its jaws split open open to reveal rows of pointed teeth and growled.
Changes: PeNciL! what IS tHe MEaning oF THiS?
Pencil: Uh, sir...? Are you feeling well?
Changes: yoU FOOl! YoUr daMNing WoRK has enDangereD thE OUfiT! YOUR carelessNESS will LEAd tO thE EXtincTiOn of my RAcE!!
Pencil: I'm sorry, sir, but this was unexpected. I received no intel that the machine was this unstable-
Changes: i carE nOt for yOUR EXCusEs, HUman! FIND a solutION! RUN Tests! MOre TESts!
And Changes took off, flying. His reptilian penis dragged him along, bashing Changes' body against every building along the way.
Dick-Possessed Changes was right, though. I needed to find a solution, and that was only possible through finding out exactly how this machine worked. But of course, I needed more volunteers.
I tried going to Atron first. At first, he was hesitant and objected. But when I told him it was possible to turn all of his fingers into schlongs, a giant grin appeared on his face. Then it was cut short when TotalZone's alpaca, which had fully separated from his body, pounced on Atron and tore his ear off.
Pencil: Jesus, TotalZone, I thought you said it grazed!
TotalZone shrugged.
I decided to ask FearHawk for help, but he angrily responded that he would rather fellate TotalZone's alpaca dick than help me. Then the alpaca pounced on him. I tried to put the damn thing down, but it turned on me, ate my revolver, and leaped into the sky where it had an amazing laser-shooting battle with Changes' dick.
Looking things over, it occurred to me that the majority of TXR were dead by this point, and it would be a little bit until they would respawn, so I was out of options. That was when Starbridge came up to me.
Pencil: Oh, hey, Starbridge, how's it going? It's been awhile.
Starbridge: Hey, there, Pencil. I heard that you needed some help with something?
Pencil: Yeah, I was looking for some volunteers to test out the machine so I can see how it works. Are you up for it?
Starbridge: Yeah, sure. Uh, I just have to walk in it and pull the switch, right?
Pencil: Hold on, you know how it works, right? Have you seen what it does? TotalZone's now penisless, and his alpaca half-breed just ate about two of our members before it acquired human speech. You sure you want to pull through with this?
Starbridge: Yeah, of course. Just walk in, right?
Pencil: Uh, did you hear what I said? Dude. It's dangerous. TotalZone's and Changes' penises are now having a fuckin' Dragon Ball Z fight right next to two Revers right now.
Starbridge: Yeah, I heard you the first time. Can we go now?
Pencil: Why are you so willing?
Starbridge smiled.
Pencil: Starbridge? Why are you smiling?
Starbridge kept smiling.
Pencil: I'm not doing this. No. Fuck you.
The smile on Starbridge's face faded away slowly. A pause. A moment of silence. Then he turned on his heel and bolted towards the "cloning" machine.
Pencil: GodDAMMIT, why do people keep doing this?
I pulled out my spare revolver and tried to shoot Starbridge before he reached the machine, but then I remembered that I was a terrible shot and that's why I switched out from being an Infiltrator. Frustrated, I beat the nearest cat with my revolver and chased after Starbridge.
I was too late. He made it to the machine before I could stop him. The glass doors closed around his form, and the ray immediately beamed down from the ceiling of the holding cell. Starbridge was illuminated with nanites, the smile on his face growing larger and larger as his body was enveloped entirely by the light. He began cackling, his eerie laughter barely reaching my ears over the din of the machine.
And then, nothing.
His laughter stopped, and the machine came to an abrupt stop. After a moment, the container doors slid open, and smoke billowed out from the floor of the cell. Glancing into the container, I found a triangular block of cheddar sitting at the floor of the machine.
Pencil: What the hell is this?
I picked it up, and to my dismay, it pulsed and was warm to the touch.
Pencil: Oh, shit.
Tom; Wha'cha got there, Pencil?
Pencil: Gah! Shit, Tom, where did you come from?
Tom: Is that my ol' buddy Starbridge? Yeah, I know that's you, boy. I can tell you from the rest any day of the week.
Pencil: Tom, you can talk to it?
Tom: Yeah, I can. Don't you forget it. Nobody understands baby Starbridge more than I do.
He snatched the block of cheddar from my hands.
Tom: There you go, son. I got you. Uncle Tom's gonna be here fo' you.
Pencil: Tom, I can't let you leave with him. I'm trying to figure out what the hell this machine does and how to fix Hereticus, and I need Starbridge for that.
Tom: What? You don't trust me? Uncle Tom's gonna stay riiiiiiight here, if you'd like, as long as I get to be with my baby Starbridge.
I swore I could hear the cheese shrieking.
Tom: How hard can it be to take care of a lil' bitty piece of swiss?
Pencil: Tom, I don't think that's swiss.
Tom: Oh, yes it is. All it needs is a few holes in it.
Pencil: ...What?
I gaped.
Tom quietly made a motion with his hands:
Right, okay.
Pencil: ...Sure, Tom. Stay here, please. Please don't leave.
Now before I could say anything more, there was a loud crash in the hangar, followed by yet more screaming. Tom, who had since shoved the block of cheese into his pants, and I took off sprinting towards the source of the sound.
When we arrived, we found Atrgeist, who had since lost it and was trying to get the hell out of Dodge in his Mossy, and Hereticus - well - mounting it.
Like this but except tanks.
Yeah, that's more like it.
Atrgeist was screaming at the top of his lungs in a very un-Atrgeist way. Can't blame him, really.
Hereticus: OHHHHH, YEAH, BABY! YOU WANT MORE OF THIS, DUN YOU?
He had much of the length of the tank cannon up the tailpipe of the Mossy. He began spinning the rotating turret at high speeds, swinging Atrgeist around and violating the poor bastard in a way I never dreamed possible.
While I was desperately trying to think of a way to keep Hereticus from dry humping Atrgeist into an explosion, Pattyfathead walked into the garage. Shit, I thought. It was the monthly outfit checkup, to gauge our performance. Our superiors weren't going to be happy about this.
He glanced at me, then passed his eyes over to Hereticus still making awkward thrusting motions with the tank. Then he glanced at Tom, who had about two inches of his tongue in the Starbridge cheese block.
Patty immediately dropped a brick of C4 at his feet, raised the detonator high up in the air, and exploded himself.
I wearily glanced back at the scene behind me, where Tom had since vanished. I thought it was time to go back to bed.
To be continued.
I hope this thing works.
Well, err, hi, there. This is PencilStick, formerly know as PencilPrick and PencilDick because the asshole who gives people their callnames has a shitty sense of humor. I'm currently writing this down in an old digital logbook, which you could probably tell if you're reading this right now, that was scrapped together after TempestWave, in his usual drunken rage, beat the shit out of a Vanu infiltrator until his sensor gun turned into a laptop. Convenient, I guess, but for all the decorations that the TXR have received, we're not exactly the smartest and the brightest around.
I mean, look at Swatz. For the longest time, that Chinese bastard tried to make fun of me by mimicking my voice and my personality at every chance he could get to confuse people over the comms. Now he practically convinced himself that he's me and is making every attempt to break into ColonelCuddles' room to make out with him. Worst yet, ColonelCuddles' pretty open to his advances. Goddamn. Now we can't eat cafeteria food because those two work in the diner. Dammit, I want my meatloaf back. It was the only thing I looked forward to while serving in this outfit, and now I can't even have that.
Anyway, the reason I'm writing this is because Talron resigned from the technology development team after Changes tried to rape him. Worst yet was how Changes tried to shrug it all off by giving Talron a "mandatory mind wipe" by dunking his head in the toilet and flushing it repeatedly. Needless to say, Talron served an early retirement from that. Poor Reddington, though. To this day he can't even look at ice cream without vomiting.
I digress. Talron dropped out from the tech division and assigned me to it. His reasoning was that I was the only person with a PhD. Uhh, okay. That's reassuring. Not a degree in mechanical or electrical engineering, or even a PhD in Physics, which would make them all more than qualified for the tech division, but rather a guy with a PhD in archaeology. But considering our team, I guess I'm the only person qualified. Changes, our head surgeon, experimented a bit too much with the prescriptions and now has a giant, snake-like penis that has throttled a few of our new recruits out of defense. Totalzone is going into agriculture, but his overwhelming joy when it came to the MAX flamethrowers cut his career a bit short. And there's Atrgeist, who actually is proficient in the sciences, but he speaks Australian Dalabon, so fuck that.
So that leaves me. I guess the idea of a PhD captivated Talron, no matter where it came form. That, or he just really wants to get the hell out of TXR. Can't blame him.
Things are only going to go uphill from here, I feel. It can't get any worse than Changes' penis slithering underneath doors and suffocating poor Reddington as he's trying to take a shit. After TempestWave beat the shit out of a Vanu Magrider and turned it into a makeshift cloning device, I think I'm going to begin some tests on it.
Hoping for the best.
DAY 2
I miss home.
That night, after Talron assigned me to the tech group, I came back to my shared room after spending most of the evening detailing the functionalities and aspects of the cloning machine. Normally, it should've been a thirty minute check, but nobody who was in my team at the time helped in the slightest. It mainly just me and a disgruntled Atrgeist making sure everything was in working order, and every now and then, when I looked back at the dashboard, I would sometimes find mlane stroking the levers, moaning Talron's name. Atrgeist and I had exchanged a knowing glance. We decided to test it out tomorrow. Definitely tomorrow.
I was exhausted, and as I was staring fondly at a picture of my girlfriend, who was somewhere out there in the universe, and daydreamed of coming home, EVOLIS, who had also caught on to the MAX Flamethrower craze, burst through my wall and doused my nightstand, paperwork, and photos in fire.
EVOLIS: SUCK MY DICK, MOTHERFUCKERS! HAHAHAHAHA!
And he took off. After a second, I watched a naked FearHawk and Killidin, wearing nothing but Infiltrator helmets, shotguns in hand, sprinting after him.
Weary, I dropped on my bed and fell fast asleep.
I wanna go home.
The next morning went a bit better, mainly because there were fewer people trying to "help" me. Well, except one. Totalzone, having lost his MAX Flamethower suit and now had nothing to do, casually approached me.
Totalzone: What'cha doin'?
Pencil: Uh, nothing. I'm just checking to make sure this thing isn't dangerous or anything.
Totalzone: Sooo... Does it work?
Pencil: No... I don't know... I was about to check, but...
Totalzone: Hey, Pencil, we're good friends, right? You can trust me, right?
No.
Pencil: Yeah, sure, why? What's up?
Totalzone: Ah, nothing. I just wanted you to know that I appreciate you, and I think you're a great guy.
Pencil: Totalzone, what the hell do you want?
Totalzone: I want to clone my dick.
YUP. THOUGHT SO.
You probably don't want to hear the rest of it, and I doubt my superiors will, but Totalzone had the smartass idea to clone his dick so he could be "double trouble" in bed with the ladies, despite the fact that most of the "female" soldiers in our outfit are ripped, have a husky smoker's voice, and have a dick bulge. Didn't stop him, though.
I would've been happy to get the job done and over with, but I was focused on just trying to get Totalzone away from the machine before he broke anything. At least mlane had the decency to moan and gasp quietly to himself because he THOUGHT we couldn't hear him. Totalzone? Nah. Examine the pressure pipes on the machine, look down, take notes, look up. Boom. Totalzone. Dry humping the piston. What the hell.
And he wouldn't stop, either. He was grinding against the machine belt so often I was sure he would've sanded his junk off. At one point, when I went out to get some lunch, I came back to find Totalzone, naked except for a pair of boots and gloves, standing with his hands on his hips and his junk thrusted forward towards the doorway of the cloner, a cathode ray shooting down on his johnny, while he screamed.
I nearly dropped my sandwich. When Totalzone spun around, a triumphant grin on his face, his penis was, well, an alpaca.
Yeah, seriously, with a face and everything.
Totalzone eventually left, claiming that he had to take his penis out to graze, and I decided that my day was done. I had accomplished something at least - I found out the cloning machine didn't work.
To think, it would've bee a good piece of tech. The ability to have multiple clones out in the field would mean even the smallest squad could have the might of an entire platoon. Too bad this thing just turns dicks into wild animals.
As far as I'm concerned, the day was over. I drank myself into a stupor and fell asleep. At least, I tried to. I could hear Totalzone's penis baaing next door to me.
DAY 3
When I heard that they were replacing Swatz and ColonelCuddles in the dining room, I became excited. For the first time in weeks, I could eat real food. Like, safe food, food that's not contaminated. Regular food where you might occasionally find a strand of hair rather than an entire buttplug.
I was actually looking forward to being able to eat breakfast again, and when I woke up this morning, I made a beeline for the mess hall because God knows that breakfast was the only thing I had to look forward to when it came to life in TXR. I arrived a bit early, as nobody else was there, and I think that was the problem. Coming through the cafeteria doorway, I glimpsed tacoYEAH, furiously headbanging to "Love You like a Love Song," by Selena Gomez, while firing a green beam from his "wizard's staff" into each plate of food.
I froze. He saw me, he froze. We made eye contact. Then, he picked up a plate, smashed it on the table, and crashed right through the nearest window before taking off across the waste of Indar.
Right, okay.
When I came back to the cloning machine to continue off from where I left off yesterday, Changes was already there, waiting for me. He had his arms crossed, and his elongated serpent-penis was tucked behind his back like Frieza or Mewtwo or some shit.
Except it's a dick.
Changes: Pencil, what the hell have you been doing?
Pencil: Uh, sir? I don't know what you're talking about.
Changes: I gave you this job because Talron's gone, but you haven't got a single thing done in the past few days. Talron worked so much harder than you. So much harder.
Changes licked his lips.
Changes: He was so much harder. Oh, yes. Harder.
Pencil: Sir...
Changes shook his head.
Changes: Look, Pencil, I read your report, and as lacking as they are, you're getting somewhere, at least. I need you to start using actual subjects to test this thing out. No more stalling, Pencil. I need some results, now.
Pencil: With all due respect, sir, it changed Totalzone's junk into a half-breed sheep.
Changes: That's proof that it works. Haven't you heard of Dolly, the first ever cloned sheep?
Pencil: Sir, I don't think that's the same thing...
Changes placed a hand on my shoulder. He reached into his pocket and brought out a doorknob.
Changes: Do you know what this is?
It was a doorknob, something that hadn't been used for decades. It was meant to be used for opening doors. I doubt that's what Changes had in mind.
Pencil: Right, a doorknob.
Changes: And do you know what I'm going to do with this is you waste any more time?
Pencil: Kill me. I hope to God, kill me.
Changes then proceeded to make a strange pulling motion with his other hand over the doorknob. I had no fucking clue what it meant, but it fucking scared the shit out of me.
I nodded furiously.
Changes: Good. I'm glad you understand. You better get back to work now. Find some volunteers around here. Tell them if they do, they'll get my wonderful, three-legged, Bohemian albino aardvark that's been dipped in corn syrup-
Pencil: Sir-
Changes: My dick.
Changes left. As he turned away, his penis coiled up, bared its fangs, and hissed at me.
As it turned out, it wasn't that easy to find volunteers. Totalzone was a bit busy, his alpaca dong having grown three feet long since the last night and was desperately trying to separate from his body. There was a lot of screaming. Atrgeist mumbled something in Dalabon, so fuck him. Reddington only volunteered under the condition that I execute the original copy, so I wasn't sure about that. I was a bit excited when SinisterSmith and Coltorl volunteered, but I overheard them talking about filming porn between the clones once it was all over. I wouldn't have cared what they did with the clones once the experiments were done, but when I saw that their props consisted of only spoons, durian, and a sledgehammer, I thought, for the sake of the clones, that it was a bad idea.
Atron eventually stepped up to the plate once he caught me alone.
Atron: Pencil, I appreciate what you've been doing for us thus far.
Pencil: Hey, Atron. Yeah, thanks for the support, man. It's been a rough few days.
Atron: Yeah, I can see that. Our outfit could drive anybody nuts. It's no wonder Talron dropped out.
Pencil: No, I think that had something to do with rape. And the fact that Changes' penis tried to eat Talron's appendix.
Atron: Glad you're holding up, though. How are things going now?
Pencil: Well, it could be worse. I'm trying to find volunteers to test this machine out now. Changes said he wanted results. Well, he and his penis. I swear, I never see his lips move anymore.
Atron took a moment to think.
Atron: You know, if it means it'll take a bit of stress off of you, I'd be more than happy to volunteer. It's the least I can do since you've been at it for half a week so far.
Pencil: Hey, Atron, that'd be great, man. Thanks a l-
Atron: I want to clone my penis.
Pencil: GODDAMMIT MOTHERFUCKER AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
I was back to square one. The sun had already set, and night had already fallen. I returned back to my sleeping quarters and was about to go to bed when I heard a loud clang outside, followed by the wibbly-wobbly-warpy sound that was the cloning machine.
My heart leapt. For a moment, I couldn't breath. I tumbled out of the door of my room and made a mad dash to the courtyard where it was located. When I came outside, I found Prowler Pack, recently returned from their latest expedition to the nearest McDonald's, tightly packed around the cloning machine, which was glowing and spiraling out of control.
Before I could throw myself on the controls, the machine unleashed one last shockwave before enveloping the entire area in a pool of light. When it subsided and my eyes had time to adjust, I found a Prowler, just like any of the other tanks from the Prowler pack, sitting just in front of the machine.
The tank turned its barrel towards me, and the hydraulics bounced the tank a good foot off of the ground.
Hereticus: MOTHAFUCKAS, HERETICUS IS BACK, LIL' BITCHEZ.
He fired a shot into the air. Screaming, then an entire squad of TRG members crashed into a burning wreckage in their Galaxy.
Oh, God, no.
Day 4
In retrospect, why did we think it was a cloning machine to begin with?
TempestWave forged it from the depths of his drunken consciousness, and I could still hear that Vanu Engineer screaming as TempestWave punched the cockpit into a control panel. There was no reason why we should've thought it was a cloning device, but Changes was adamant when he first assigned me to the job. Then again, he wasn't exactly in the right state of mind. I keep forgetting that I took orders from a man whose penis snapped Shred's neck when he put only one packet - not two - of sugar in his coffee. It's the little things that hurt a person's validity.
I actually had a perfectly fine night of sleep because no matter what happened with Hereticus, nothing compared to the fact that I could no longer make eye contact with TotalZone because his alpaca penis kept staring me down. We had assumed that Hereticus was responsible enough to not cause any trouble until tomorrow, but we were wrong. Dead wrong. When we all got up that morning, Hereticus had been on a roaring rampage throughout our camp, screaming obscenities and smashing into every wall in his way. Poor Wrex was crushed underneath an ammo tower when he got up to take a piss that night.
Pencil: Jesus, Hereticus, what the hell did you do?
Hereticus: MOTHAFUCKA ASKIN' FOR SOMETHIN' FROM HERETICUS? I'LL FUCK YOU UP, ASSHOLE!
Pencil: Hereticus, calm down and talk-
Hereticus: YOU CAN'T MAKE ME CALM DOWN MOTHAFUCKA! YOU AIN'T TELLIN' ME WHAT TO DO!
He fired a random shot into a pack of nearby buildings. Screams, followed by a half-naked Swatz tumbling out of the hole in his wall, clutching his stump of a leg in pain. A person clad entirely in rubber - who I assume to be ColonelCuddles - followed after Swatz, doorknob in hand, desperately trying to stop Swatz's bleeding.
Pencil: Hereticus, what the hell are you doing? Why couldn't you have done that earlier? I want my fuckin' meatloaf back!
Hereticus: LIL' BITCH TALKIN'? YOU ASKIN' TO GET FUCKED, LIL' BITCH! YOU GON' GET FUCKED!
Hereticus propped his cannons forward towards me and charged straight ahead. Confident in my years of ground combat and my reflexes honed from my lifetime as an Infiltrator, I shrieked and stumbled out of the way and bonked my head against the wall of the building. I think I scraped my knee too. It hurt.
Meanwhile, Hereticus barreled through the building and easily smashed down the wall. As Hereticus reversed and withdrew from the collapsed building, I found Kieladar impaled on the end of the cannons. Well, kinda of. Good thing his large vagina managed to absorb most of the damage.
SoulEater, a recent recruit in our outfit, made a slashing motion across his throat and pointed towards the C4 detonator in his hand. I shook my head. Fuck, it's not like I meant to. My knee was blistering. It was bleeding and shit. I was shaking.
After I wiped the tears off my face, I found Hereticus glaring at us. And by glaring, I mean he had the cannons pointed at us.
Hereticus: YOU THINK I DIDN'T KNOW, MUTHAFUCKA? YOU THINK I'M AN IDIOT? MUTHAFUCKA GON' DIE!
SoulEater tried to cloak to get away. Then he just exploded. Cherry-flavored blood spewed out from the empty space right next to me and drenched me in his delicious goodness. Jesus, I was hungry. I didn't have breakfast yet, so you can't blame me.
I had to get the hell out of there. As I was heading back to the machine lab to figure out how the hell to fix this problem, Changes met me halfway there. Well, I assume it was Changes. His body was limp and flaccid, floating two feet off of the ground and glowing a faint blue tint while his fanged, hissing penis supported his weight. Its jaws split open open to reveal rows of pointed teeth and growled.
Changes: PeNciL! what IS tHe MEaning oF THiS?
Pencil: Uh, sir...? Are you feeling well?
Changes: yoU FOOl! YoUr daMNing WoRK has enDangereD thE OUfiT! YOUR carelessNESS will LEAd tO thE EXtincTiOn of my RAcE!!
Pencil: I'm sorry, sir, but this was unexpected. I received no intel that the machine was this unstable-
Changes: i carE nOt for yOUR EXCusEs, HUman! FIND a solutION! RUN Tests! MOre TESts!
And Changes took off, flying. His reptilian penis dragged him along, bashing Changes' body against every building along the way.
Dick-Possessed Changes was right, though. I needed to find a solution, and that was only possible through finding out exactly how this machine worked. But of course, I needed more volunteers.
I tried going to Atron first. At first, he was hesitant and objected. But when I told him it was possible to turn all of his fingers into schlongs, a giant grin appeared on his face. Then it was cut short when TotalZone's alpaca, which had fully separated from his body, pounced on Atron and tore his ear off.
Pencil: Jesus, TotalZone, I thought you said it grazed!
TotalZone shrugged.
I decided to ask FearHawk for help, but he angrily responded that he would rather fellate TotalZone's alpaca dick than help me. Then the alpaca pounced on him. I tried to put the damn thing down, but it turned on me, ate my revolver, and leaped into the sky where it had an amazing laser-shooting battle with Changes' dick.
Looking things over, it occurred to me that the majority of TXR were dead by this point, and it would be a little bit until they would respawn, so I was out of options. That was when Starbridge came up to me.
Pencil: Oh, hey, Starbridge, how's it going? It's been awhile.
Starbridge: Hey, there, Pencil. I heard that you needed some help with something?
Pencil: Yeah, I was looking for some volunteers to test out the machine so I can see how it works. Are you up for it?
Starbridge: Yeah, sure. Uh, I just have to walk in it and pull the switch, right?
Pencil: Hold on, you know how it works, right? Have you seen what it does? TotalZone's now penisless, and his alpaca half-breed just ate about two of our members before it acquired human speech. You sure you want to pull through with this?
Starbridge: Yeah, of course. Just walk in, right?
Pencil: Uh, did you hear what I said? Dude. It's dangerous. TotalZone's and Changes' penises are now having a fuckin' Dragon Ball Z fight right next to two Revers right now.
Starbridge: Yeah, I heard you the first time. Can we go now?
Pencil: Why are you so willing?
Starbridge smiled.
Pencil: Starbridge? Why are you smiling?
Starbridge kept smiling.
Pencil: I'm not doing this. No. Fuck you.
The smile on Starbridge's face faded away slowly. A pause. A moment of silence. Then he turned on his heel and bolted towards the "cloning" machine.
Pencil: GodDAMMIT, why do people keep doing this?
I pulled out my spare revolver and tried to shoot Starbridge before he reached the machine, but then I remembered that I was a terrible shot and that's why I switched out from being an Infiltrator. Frustrated, I beat the nearest cat with my revolver and chased after Starbridge.
I was too late. He made it to the machine before I could stop him. The glass doors closed around his form, and the ray immediately beamed down from the ceiling of the holding cell. Starbridge was illuminated with nanites, the smile on his face growing larger and larger as his body was enveloped entirely by the light. He began cackling, his eerie laughter barely reaching my ears over the din of the machine.
And then, nothing.
His laughter stopped, and the machine came to an abrupt stop. After a moment, the container doors slid open, and smoke billowed out from the floor of the cell. Glancing into the container, I found a triangular block of cheddar sitting at the floor of the machine.
Pencil: What the hell is this?
I picked it up, and to my dismay, it pulsed and was warm to the touch.
Pencil: Oh, shit.
Tom; Wha'cha got there, Pencil?
Pencil: Gah! Shit, Tom, where did you come from?
Tom: Is that my ol' buddy Starbridge? Yeah, I know that's you, boy. I can tell you from the rest any day of the week.
Pencil: Tom, you can talk to it?
Tom: Yeah, I can. Don't you forget it. Nobody understands baby Starbridge more than I do.
He snatched the block of cheddar from my hands.
Tom: There you go, son. I got you. Uncle Tom's gonna be here fo' you.
Pencil: Tom, I can't let you leave with him. I'm trying to figure out what the hell this machine does and how to fix Hereticus, and I need Starbridge for that.
Tom: What? You don't trust me? Uncle Tom's gonna stay riiiiiiight here, if you'd like, as long as I get to be with my baby Starbridge.
I swore I could hear the cheese shrieking.
Tom: How hard can it be to take care of a lil' bitty piece of swiss?
Pencil: Tom, I don't think that's swiss.
Tom: Oh, yes it is. All it needs is a few holes in it.
Pencil: ...What?
I gaped.
Tom quietly made a motion with his hands:
Right, okay.
Pencil: ...Sure, Tom. Stay here, please. Please don't leave.
Now before I could say anything more, there was a loud crash in the hangar, followed by yet more screaming. Tom, who had since shoved the block of cheese into his pants, and I took off sprinting towards the source of the sound.
When we arrived, we found Atrgeist, who had since lost it and was trying to get the hell out of Dodge in his Mossy, and Hereticus - well - mounting it.
Like this but except tanks.
Yeah, that's more like it.
Atrgeist was screaming at the top of his lungs in a very un-Atrgeist way. Can't blame him, really.
Hereticus: OHHHHH, YEAH, BABY! YOU WANT MORE OF THIS, DUN YOU?
He had much of the length of the tank cannon up the tailpipe of the Mossy. He began spinning the rotating turret at high speeds, swinging Atrgeist around and violating the poor bastard in a way I never dreamed possible.
While I was desperately trying to think of a way to keep Hereticus from dry humping Atrgeist into an explosion, Pattyfathead walked into the garage. Shit, I thought. It was the monthly outfit checkup, to gauge our performance. Our superiors weren't going to be happy about this.
He glanced at me, then passed his eyes over to Hereticus still making awkward thrusting motions with the tank. Then he glanced at Tom, who had about two inches of his tongue in the Starbridge cheese block.
Patty immediately dropped a brick of C4 at his feet, raised the detonator high up in the air, and exploded himself.
I wearily glanced back at the scene behind me, where Tom had since vanished. I thought it was time to go back to bed.
To be continued.